My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.