Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Usage Guidelines
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.