Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
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My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now