my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
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My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!