T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
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I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Monday Lisa
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe