Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
You Might Also Like
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Mhm.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.