“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
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With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
If only.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Britain be like
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
That’s easy for you to say
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*