so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
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why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.