You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
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How to draw a duck
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
😂💯
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”