One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
your honor my client chooses dare
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist