What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
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When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”