Stick it to the man
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Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
What in the hipster hell is going on here
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Customer is always right
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?