*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
You Might Also Like
i like to flex on them by shrugging
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Maths meets science
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.