*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
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me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.