I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.