Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
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[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
A game married people play.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Taking phone security to the next level.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.