thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
the greatest twitter interaction
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.