*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
You Might Also Like
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.