walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
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[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep