superterriblemorningexpialidocious
You Might Also Like
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex