Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
You Might Also Like
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!