*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
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A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
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Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.