I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
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Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.