I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
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My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES