Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
What the hell happened here.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.