Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
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5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Meanwhile in Canada…
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise