My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
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Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.