Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.