I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
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me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
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