Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
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That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.