If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
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#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Meme Monday.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?