We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
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Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017