Stonehinge
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My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*