A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
*updates tinder bio*
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so