Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
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You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”