There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
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only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.