To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
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[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
good for her
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”