German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
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A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Writing, She Murdered.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls