Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
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It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
You have been warned.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands