I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
You Might Also Like
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..