Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
You Might Also Like
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer