1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
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*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
He’s cranky this morning
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?