My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
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All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.