In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
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Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Google Pay be like:
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos