ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
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New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.