I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
You Might Also Like
Customer is always right
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Bootstraps
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
bears
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training