Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
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New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
😎 🍻
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked