If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
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This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.