I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
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FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.