If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
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I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
The photographer’s assistant
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help